Crack Meme: Quest to Save The Doctor
by Beezlemona
Summary: The Doctor and Riker are about to get married, until Alucard crashes their wedding and abducts The Doctor against his will. Riker follows them, but must forge an uneasy alliance with his archrival, a demigod called Xaanik. They must then hijack some form of transportation from John Watson in order to get to Alucard's lair, where they must fight against his evil minions. Oneshot.


**15. [9] (The Doctor) and [6](Riker) are about to get married, until [3](Alucard) crashes their wedding and abducts [9](The Doctor) against his/her will. [6](Riker) follows them, but must forge an uneasy alliance with his/her archrival, [1](Xaanik). They must then hijack some form of transportation from [8](John) in order to get to [3](Alucard)'s lair, where they must fight against [3]'s evil zombified minions. What happens?**

I'm just going to say that this would make an absolutely perfect Star Trek episode and I will be bitterly disappointed if this does not happen at some point in the near future.

"And do you, William T. Riker, take this Timelord to be your unlawfully wedded husband, till death do you part?"  
Riker smiled and gazed lovingly into the eyes of the Doctor. All of the senior officers were present and in dress uniform, and many of the doctor's friends were also present (including several aliens and a tall man with dark wings who stood in the corner and glared at all the airborne particles). The doctor was even wearing his ceremonial fez. It was all so lovely. Even Picard couldn't help shedding a small happy tear. This would have all turned out dandily were it not for the stained glass windows of the space-church suddenly imploding. A large shard of glass imbedded itself in the priests' neck and he died gorily all over the floor.

"My dear Riker!" A menacing voice boomed "What do you think you are doing…?"

Riker and the Doctor turned to see a tall man in a red coat standing in the middle of the room. Everyone gasped collectively, except for Data who just blinked and looked around at everyone else in a confused manner.

"ALUCARD!" Riker growled. "What are _you_ doing? I don't remember inviting you"

The vampire laughed evilly "Ohhhh, poor little Riker. You didn't see this coming?"

"see what coming?" Riker was about to demand, when Alucard suddenly lashed out and grabbed the Doctor, sweeping the timelord into a bridal carry.

"Um, woah, watch the fez" Doctor said.

"I'll be going now," Alucard said, grinning, flicking commander Data across the room with his satanic telekinesis before even he could do anything to stop him even with his android super speed and MEGASTRENGTHtm

"NOOOOOO" Riker screamed, and dived in creepy slow motion, but he was too late. With an obligatory evil laugh, the vampire disappeared, along with the doctor.

Riker landed heavily on his ankle and sprained it nastily.

"ARGH" He said in a manly way.

"Commander, are you alright?" Data called, quickly peeling himself out of the wall he'd been thrown into and rushing over to help Riker

"Yes yes yes I'm fine… ow" Riker winced as Geordie and Data helped him to his feet. Another man rushed over to them.

"Are you okay? Don't worry, I'm a doctor"

"I'm fine!" Riker growled, brushing off his various helpers and steadying himself against a pew.

The man looked at Riker's foot "No you're not, it looks like you've sprained your ankle, pretty badly."

"I'm **FINE**" Riker insisted, and then illustrated exactly how fine he was by stepping on this foot and collapsing to the ground with a whimper of agony.

"Let me look at it," the man insisted.

"NO" Riker growled, his beard bristling with indignation as he clambered once again to his feet "There'll be plenty of time for emergency first aid later, I have to get my husband back!"

The man sighed. "If you insist."

Riker looked around at the churchfull of people who were staring at him. Then he caught sight of the man's walking stick. The gestured to it awkwardly "Um," Riker said "You won't mind lending me that for a moment?"

The man blinked. "Well, if you're too impatient to let me treat you, then sure, I guess"

"Thanks" Riker grabbed the walking stick and hobbled out of the church.

Data trotted after him "Sir!" He called "Pursuing that man would be most inadvisable! You will only aggravate your injury!"

"I DON'T CARE" Riker said, his teeth set as he continued hobbling down the path at a breezy 0.02 nautical miles per hour.

"He's right, you know" said a quiet voice. Riker stopped suddenly. That voice was familiar…. Riker turned to see none other than—

"…YOU!" Riker was aghast. It was Xaanik. The only lifeform in the galaxy sexier than Riker's beard. His Archrival.

"Don't go after them, you'll only be killed horribly."

Riker glared. "I'm not going to accept advice from _you_," he spat "Go away, I'm going to get my husband back wether you two like it or not"

"Sir—"

"OH PISS OFF, DATA"

"Sir, I—"

"THAT IS AN ORDER, LIEUTENANT-COMMANDER!" Riker glared into Data's face. There was a moment of awkward silence.

"yes sir," Data said eventually. The android turned and walked briskly back into the church.

Xaanik shook his head. "You shouldn't have done that," he said. "He was one of the few people here capable of helping you on your little quest."

"Who are you to question me?" Riker pouted.

"Where you're going you're going to need someone with MEGASTRENGTHtm"

"How do you know where I'm going?"

"I know everything" Xaanik smiled wryly. "You're going to try and sneak into Alucard's Vampire Doom Fortress, and I can tell you, even your Beard Powers aren't going to be enough to defeat his undead army."

"My Beard Powers are enough to defeat any army!" Riker yelled "I don't need Data and I definitely don't need you!" with that he continued on his way.

For three days Riker hobbled, only stopping for takeaway HJ's and some coffee.

He sat down on a park bench and took an angry bite of his Whopper With Extra Bacon. Goddamn that vampire, stealing his husband. He was going to make him _pay._

"Did you know," An all too familiar voice said "That lettuce is, by interstellar definition, sentient, and capable of feeling pain?"

Riker's shoulder's sagged and he said "Murgh." through his mouthful of burger.

"Do you know what it is like to lie there on top of that meat patty, your life force slowly draining as the magnesium is scorched from your chlorophyllic compounds?" Xaanik laughed bitterly as he jumped down from the nearby tree. "No, of course you don't"

Riker swallowed and put down the burger. He wiped a bit of sauce out of his moustache and said "What the hell are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone."

"I was going to do that until I realised that it is a matter of intergalactic importance that I help you on this mission of yours."

"What? Why?"

Xaanik frowned and glared at Riker and suddenly Riker felt terribly inadequate. "Do not question it, it just is."

The commander looked away quickly "Fine. Come with me if you really have to. But don't expect me to suddenly be your BFF." He stood, adjusted his uniform, and continued on his way at the same steady pace.

"We could get there a lot sooner if you allowed me to—"

"NO YOU ARE NOT CARRYING ME I AM GOING TO BEAR THIS PAIN LIKE A TRUE WARRIOR"

Xaanik backed away "As you wish"

So the two set off. It took an incredibly long time to reach Alucard's Doom Fortress (One month twelve days seven hours three minutes twenty six seconds, as commander Data would have unhelpfully calculated) but the main thing was that they got there in the end. And Riker's ankle was beginning to feel considerably better.

Riker and Xaanik looked up at the craggy black cliffs, and at the doomful looking castle set at their peak. Dark clouds swirled ominously overhead. The two stopped for a minute, and Riker took this time to strike a wide-legged stance on top of one of the many large rocks.

Xaanik stared up at the fortress. "Alucard's minion's… They're on their way"

"Nothing I can't handle," Riker said, setting his phaser to Crispy Fry.

"We'll see," Xaanik said grimly, drawing a slightly wilted celery stick out of his pocket. And not a moment too soon, because at that moment, there was an ear-splitting, inhuman shriek from above, and a huge manky undead bird thing dived at Riker.

The officer dived behind one of the large rocks, barely avoiding the monster's huge talons and dangling eyeballs.

"Christ! What the hell is that thing!?"

"The petrified soul of a Onceler/Lorax shipper," Xaanik said darkly. "Souls such as these are so horrendously dishonoured by the time of their death that not even Hell itself will take them… So they're easy pickings for dark magicians like our vampiric friend, as you can see"

"That's a bit harsh," Riker admitted "and I mean, they are kind of—"

Xaanik silenced the commander with a quickly raised hand. "DON'T question Cosmic Harmony."

Riker thought the better of it and decided not to pursue the topic any further. "Well, are you going to take care of it or—Wait a second, is that a celery stick?"

He evidently wasn't going to get an answer because Xaanik had already taken off. He made short work of the beastly beast.

Three more of them swooped down from the castle, and Riker took them out with some epic Starfleet marksmanship skill (only needing to fire sixteen times and hitting Xaanik only three of those times)

"Please try not to shoot me," Xaanik called "You might destabilise my molecular matrix of you keep that up"

"You were in my way!" Riker yelled back.

There was no time for arguing though, because there WAS AN ARMY OF GHOULS heading right for them. Riker shot a few of them and then noticed that his phaser was out of energy "Bugger," He said.

"Are you alright?" Xaanik called, who had dived into a crowd of Alucard's undead minions and was setting about ripping them into little pieces.

"Yes, don't worry about me," Riker said in a manly tone "I have a lavender belt in moQbara'!" He assumed a guard stance, whirling an imaginary bat'leth.

Xaanik was about to point out that a lavender belt in moQbara' was only awarded to a warrior who failed ten consecutive Gradings but he politely refrained from doing so. "Well okay then" He said as he stabbed a ghoul in the eye socket with the celery stick and then kicked it's ribcage so hard it shattered.

They fought for the next twenty minutes, Riker's Beard Powers and Xaanik's MEGASTRENGTHtm Only just managing to overpower the last of the undead minions.

"Phew" said Riker, wiping a small chunk of what appeared to be liver out of his eyebrow. (In truth he'd spent most of those twenty minutes shouting things like "Qa'w!" and "Ja''eghqa'gach!" and and striking manly poses) "I'm glad that's over."

"Indeed," Agreed Xaanik. (Really the most tedious thing about this incident had been the commander's incredibly poor grasp of the Klingon language)

Now it was only a matter of sneaking into the Doom Fortress.

After a great deal of struggling and yelling "NO I DO _NOT_ WANT YOU TO CARRY ME" on Riker's part, the two managed to scale the cliff face.

Very sneakily they sneaked past all the guards and into Alucard's harem. They hid behind a red velvet curtain and peered stealthily around its corner.

Riker whimpered.

Really this was quite an acceptable reaction to the site that currently met both their eyes. There were about thirty unfortunate souls, very scantily clad and chained to the walls by long gold chains and doing things like fanning Alucard with palm leaves and handfeeding him peeled grapes with pupils drawn on. One of these was the Doctor, who was wearing sexy black leather underwear and playing a beautiful melody on a golden Theremin. He still had his fez.

Riker wasn't sure whether to be aroused or horrified so he settled for a combination of both. He swallowed nervously and looked at Xaanik for moral guidance.

"You get the Doctor," Xaanik said in Enterprise Standard Sign Language, "I'll distract Alucard."

Riker nodded and snuck off further behind the curtain over to where the Doctor was.

"Alucard!" Xaanik called melodramatically, stepping out from behind the curtain. Several of Alucard's harem members gasped and one of them dropped the bowl of grapes she was holding.

Alucard's face twisted into a snarl and he sat up. "What the hell are you doing here, _Demigod_?"

"Oh, don't be like that. Surely you're in the mood for a good fight"

"You disgust me," Alucard roared, climbing to his feet, his hands glowing with unholy power "I have always wanted to—"

Alucard was cut off by a muffled curse from behind the curtain.

"What's this?" Alucard growled, whisking the curtain away with his satanic telekinesis.

There was Riker, trying desperately to pick the locks on the Doctor's golden fetters with a bobby pin. He looked up sheepishly. "Hi, ladies" He said uneasily.

"Well," said the Doctor, grinning awkwardly, "What a nice assemblage we have here."

Alucard snarled in rage and made a lunge for Riker, every one of his 67 overly sharpened teeth aimed right at the officer's jugular. This would have resulted gorily were it not for a small scale tractor beam suddenly locking on, seemingly from nowhere, and suspending the vampire in mid-air, only a few inches from Riker's throat.

"WHAT!?" Alucard screamed, flailing his limbs helplessly.

"Commander Riker!" Came a boy's voice, and its owner trotted out from behind the curtain, complete with a prototype handheld mobile tractor-beam emitter.

"Oh god." Riker said. Which was also fair enough because the voice belonged to Wesley Crusher.

"Commander are you oka—"

"Shut up, Wesley," Riker snapped. "Of course I'm okay. Now let's get out of here."

Xaanik chewed through all of the chains because he had Unlimited Dental Cover and everyone was free and it was all happy and stuff except fro John who never did end up getting his walking stick back, the end.


End file.
